How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: The book that saved us

Writing this article for fellow parents who have little children. You might echo our feelings and may love this book.

My wife and I got frustrated and exhausted handling meltdowns and seeking cooperation with our 3 year old. Pretty sure, our daughter felt the same. Then I found this book, whose strategies worked like magic on her. The book is aptly called How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2–7.

First, a quick story of how it saved our day.

Typical situation, strategies & results

Our daughter, Mirana, wanted to buy snacks from a store when we were out. But she fell asleep during the drive. By the time she woke up, we were at home. She realized about the missed opportunity, and started rolling on the floor, screaming and crying, “ I want to go to the store!” We told her that what she wanted was already at home (biscuits & chips). She kept wailing “I want to get it from the store”, wanting the experience. After repeated failure at convincing, typically, we would have resorted to these options — 1) “She really wants us to take her to store, lets do it, and get it over with.” Result — Happy Child, Wasted time. 2) “Kids cry, let her, she will calm down. We can’t keep succumbing to all whims and fancies.” Result — Sad uncooperative child, may lead to more tantrums later.

New strategy & surprising result

We tried a strategy from the book. I whispered something to my wife and carried my wailing daughter to another room and said, “Miru, I know you are sad because you really wanted to go to the store. Did you want to buy things by yourself?” She continued crying but nodded. Then I said, “Ok. Let’s go to the store.” I took her to the kitchen, where a few packets of biscuits and chips were laid out on the slab. I told my wife “Hello shopkeeper. This is my daughter Mirana. She came to buy something.” She said, “Hello Mirana. What do you want to buy today?” Mirana calmed down seeing all of this. I put her down and said, “She would like to buy things by herself.” My Wife said, “Of course, come here and see.” Mirana walked towards the slab and said, “I want yellow chips and those biscuits.” My wife replied, “We don’t have yellow chips. We have green and blue. Blue would be spicy. Would you like to try the green one? It’s cream and onion”. Mirana said, “Yes’’ and picked the packets. I said, “Miru, ask how we need to pay?” She asked and paid with imaginary money. She came out of the kitchen smiling and hopping with the two packets in her hands. Result — Happy child in 5 minutes. We were feeling great not only about our ability to defuse the situation, but also to see the happy child.

Strategies used: 1) Acknowledge the feeling with words 2) Give in fantasy what you can’t give in reality.

The book has a lot of such strategies or tools.

The struggle, the discovery & the book

In the last 3 years, I realized that parenting can bring out our best and our worst. It is tough, especially when we are trying strategies that come naturally to us — convincing (request, logic), incentivising (threat, reward, bribe), forcing (muscle power). We move from one strategy to another, based on mood and patience. Without desired results and occasional side effects, it leaves us exhausted & frustrated.

I searched online to find solutions and discovered quite a few books. I chose “How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen” because of two reasons. 1) The ratings on Amazon and Goodreads. 2) The origins of this book. Authors of the book Joanna Faber & Julie King have spent years conducting parenting workshops based on Joanna mother’s book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen…. That book (for bigger kids) has been out there since 1980! Joanna Faber & Julie King wrote the ‘little’ book focusing on smaller children, aged 2–7 years.

The book not only provides concepts & tools but demonstrates with stories showing tools in action. The tools focus on handling emotions, engaging cooperation, resolving conflict, praising the right way. The stories of tools in action are super helpful. They make us realize where we might have gone wrong. They give ideas on solutions that can be used straight out of the book; plug & play.

Fair warning! This definitely needs a lot of effort. Reading the book to learn, coming up with a situation specific solution under stressful situations, patience to experiment (& fail) to find what really works with your child. But I think it is all worth it, as compared to what lack of it can lead to.

I still can’t imagine that there are solutions to parenting problems that work, and many of us don’t know about it. I would recommend this book to all fellow parents.

PS: I am new to writing about parenting. But I am passionate about both - writing & parenting. When I found this gem of a book, I felt the need to share with others who will find it useful.